Sunday 26 July 2009

Holiday dressing and how most Brits get it terribly wrong (at least those who frequent Mallorca do)

Many things I saw on my recent holiday to Mallorca made me ashamed to be British. Particularly people's clothing choices. I swear most people have a 'holiday wardrobe' which is stuffed away in the back of the wardrobe until it is brought out in time for the annual Spanish jaunt.

Here is my top ten chart of 'Brits abroad' fashion disasters. Warning, please do not read if you're easily offended. This post may contain elements of body fascism.

10. Gypsy tops. A key part of the costumes worn by 90's pop group Steps and featured in some of Girls Aloud's early photo shoots (Kimberley the demure cow girl anyone?). For those that cannot recall, we're talking wide, elasticated neckline (so lots of sexy 'off the shoulder' possibilities), wide elasticated waistband (so lots of opportunities to wear as a crop top thus displaying some tanned midriff) with a big poofy bit in the middle. Bascially, great for making you look fat. A favourite of the 'mutton' clan.

9. Body con. The resort we stayed in was a huge family resort. Great as there were very few lager louts. Even nicer to see lots of teenage children holidaying with their parents, how civilised, I really hope that my future children will love their parents enough to want to holiday with them beyond the age of 13. Having said that, there was a glut of 15 year old Cheryl Cole wannabes, all in body con. Holiday with your parents by all means, but trust me, your Dad does not need to see your undercarriage. And neither do I.

8. White. Yes I know, it shows off a tan. Blah blah, not if you're sunburned it doesn't, it makes you look like an overweight lobster pseudo-bride. Plus I can see your (lack of) undies.

7. String bikinis. Only for those aged 16 -30, absolutely not for anyone of any age with a d cup or over. Demi Moore is obviously exempt from these rules.

6. Speedos. Obviously no comment needed here.

5. Deck shoes. A controversial one this as some people in the world are actually cool enough to get away with these. My good friend Captain soon to be Major Charnock wears his rather well (I have to say this else he'll mow me down with his tank), I should imagine my husband's supremely cool cousins or Sarah Crabtree would wear them very well, maybe with a floaty skirt and a couple of layered vests. I'm probably just jealous cos I'm not one of these cool people, being of the large footed variety I should imagine I would just look like, well a middle class, suburban, never been on a deck in your life bloke actually. Sadly, not many of the people in Majorca weren't cool enough for deck shoes either. I think, unless you're one of the people mentioned above, or you actually own a yacht, don't go there.

4. Jelly Shoes. For the under tens only. Sorry to be ageist here but I just want you to look cool.

3. Wife beaters. Not good on men of any age. Unless perhaps you're gay and very fit.

2. Jumpsuits. I experimented with a jumpsuit this year. I saw it, loved it and bought it. it's black with pink flowers and I still love it. I would still wear it were it not for the fact that it makes me look fat and dumpy. And I'm 5"8. I loved Lily Allen's Glasto jumpsuit (complete with Jacko tribute white glove) but she still looked fat and dumpy and she's a size 8! Fearne Cotton manages to look fat and dumpy in a jumpsuit - how how how??? My favourite jumpsuit on show in Mallorca was bright yellow, very stretchy, strapless and clearly very cheap as it was see-through and showed up all the cellulite on the wearer's thighs. Tip, if you want to show off every lump, bump and bodily imperfection, definitely go for a jumpsuit.

1. Obesity. Because in a Spanish heatwave where temperatures are going 40 degrees plus, there's a hell of a lot of it on show and my God it's actually quite shocking. Particularly in children. Particularly where they are sunburned as well. Never mind swine flu, visit any major holiday resort and you will uncover a much greater and more worrying health problem, and not all of it you can blame on an undeactive thyroid. I was (bar this one AMAZING looking woman who had at least two children and abs of steel, I wanted to run over and bow down), the fittest person there! Ridiculous, I mean, I'm hardly in the running to be a contender on Gladiators, one look at Hang Tough would have me running for the hills. I blame the 'all inclusive' culture. I mean, when is it ever ok to start on the pints at 10am, in 40 degree heat? And no, a portion of chips is not a 'snack', it's two days' fat allowance! Rant rant rant I know but I think it's important. Like the NHS isn't stretched enough as it is without Fatty McBurgerlover and his entire family taking up beds with obesity related illnesses and sunstroke. If unable to resist the snack bar people, then cover it up. Get a kaftan or a moo moo or something.

To end on a positive note, here are ten things I think look cool on holidays. Wear them with pride, along with your factor 30 of course:

10. Bright coloured dresses

9. White cotton shirts

8. Denim hotpants (though approach with care...mutton/thigh chafe being common hazards)

7. Havaianas

6. Board shorts

5. Bikinis with built in support and proper straps!

4. Big hats, big sunglasses

3. Maxidresses (though not in white unless you like the ethereal virgin look)

2. Chunky jewellery

1. Nautical stripes (with or without deck shoes, see above)